Days of Wind ~ A Series of Unfortunate Events~ Day 1

Days of Wind

(A Series of Unfortunate Events)

This series of unfortunate events in my life started about 3 days ago.

Day One.

I woke up at 2:00 A.M. to a small whine at the bottom of my bed. That would be my newly adopted Chihuahua pup. This was accompanied by the clatter of thunder followed by a small hail storm spend along by a 40 mph wind. Needless to say I did not get much sleep.  When morning finally got here I was so exhausted that I did not notice the small pile of poop on my bedroom floor until I stepped in it. Yes YUCK would be the word to describe my feelings on the matter of my new pup literally getting the poop scared out of her. After a few choice words, a lot of cleanup and a pup sent quickly outside, I was ready to start my day or so I thought. It was still raining so said pup did not want to go out into the rain to pee and poop and I not wanting to have anymore unexpected surprises in my house grabbed my coat and flip flops and stood out in the freezing weather while she hesitantly did her jobs while trying not to get blown across the yard by the still gusting 40 mph wind. I kind of felt sorry for her, trying to hold herself in place and not get blown over, but I felt more strongly about not wanting this chore done inside. While waiting I noticed my brand new yellow rose bush, yet to be planted, was being literally beat to death. I push my way through the wind and rain to save my precious plant. The guy at the flower shop apparently forgot to tell me that this dainty sophisticated looking plant had a secret life as a dominatrix. As I reached down to pick her up she viciously slapped my face and then proceeded to flog me with her thorny branches all the way to the house. (Next time I will just let her stay outside!) Finally, pup, sadistic plant and I are all safely in the house.  To be continued

By Cathy Collar

Days of wind ~ Day 2

Days of Wind

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Day 2 (The Battle on the Porch)

This day was just as miserable as day one. Even though the rain had stopped, the cold 40 mph wind had not let up. In fact I think it was gusting up to 60 mph at times and just going outside was pure torture. I watched my beautiful back yard go from a sweet haven of rest to an annoying mess. My lawn chairs were askew and their cushions were strewn everywhere. The neighborhood trash was whistling along its merry way ending its precarious journey in my beautiful flowerbeds. I watched as long as my ODC would allow then slipped into my favorite attire, sweats and flip flops (you’ve probably noticed I don’t wear shoes very often) and prepared myself for the blustering blast that would greet me when I opened the door. My first attacker was a distraught chair cushion. The desperate cushion had wedged itself between the door and the bar-b-que trying to escape the violent wind and in doing so was blocking my exit. After a great deal of effort, I squished it flat enough to squeeze through the door and into the mayhem that had now had taken over my backyard. I must admit that cushion put up a good fight, but I finally won the battle and with much duress threw it into the house. Burrowing into my hoodie, I grabbed the other cushions and stuffed them into the storage chest. Next, as if wanting revenge for my harsh treatment of its cushions, the lawn chair viciously smacked my right shin. Grabbing the abusive chair, I jammed it under the table just in time to get smacked in the face by a  malicious tablecloth. I fought with that cloth for a good five minutes before she surrendered and found herself cowering in the chest along with my other assailants. Now I was out of breath, pissed off and my poor little toes were turning a nice shade of blue. As I gazed at the storm still causing turmoil in my backyard I just shook my head. The decision was made. ODC or not, I was going back inside the house and I was going to stay there until this wicked wind went away!

Days Of Wind ~ Day 3

Days of Wind  (A Series of Unfortunate Events)

Day 3 (The Battle at The Farm)

By Cathy Collar

After vowing not to go out into the wicked wind because of being abused by its brutal blows two days in a row, I was forced to break my cherished vow. My husband was stuck at work and I was left with the job of going to feed our dogs on the farm. Yeah! Although the wind had lessened a bit it was still screaming and howling at anyone who dared to open their door. Determined to get this job done quickly and return to my safe haven, I bundled up in thermals, jeans and all other things farmy (yes even boots) and headed out.

             Following a fierce battle with the truck door (apparently the truck didn’t want to go anywhere either) I was finally on my way. The ten miles to the farm felt more like fifty with the added bonus of dodging enormous tumble weeds, flying trash bags and low flying birds struggling to keep aloft. I would have felt sorry for those birds but I couldn’t help but think why they were even trying to fly in this mess?

Arriving at the farm, I let out a mild curse as I spied our German Shorthair, Buddy running around like a dog gone mad, bouncing, dashing and barking at everything that moved (and believe me a lot of things were moving). One look at the kennel told me who the accomplice was in his escape. Mr. Wind had dropped a large branch right on top of the hotwire in Buddy’s pen rendering it harmless. Great I thought. Now I had to catch this crazy dog and put him on the tie out until his daddy, my husband, could fix the hotwire and I had to do this while fighting my archenemy, the wicked Mr. Wind.

The first plan that formed in my mind was very simple and should have worked. I would get bouncing Buddy to jump into the back of the truck. It made sense to me. After all he was a bird dog and loved to go hunting so he would think he was going on a hunting trip. I lowered the tailgate and hollered.

“Here Buddy! Let’s go find some quail!”

The harsh wind ripped the words right out of my mouth and drove them fiercely in the opposite direction. Buddy defiantly did not hear my tantalizing invitation and to add to my aggravation he acted like he didn’t even know I was on the planet. 

Fine! I said to myself. It was time for plan B. While putting the tailgate back up, Mr. Wind graciously decided to help me by flinging it back into its original position, taking my arm none too gently along with it. Needless to say I did not appreciate the assistance. Gritting my teeth, I plowed my way through the dirt and flying branches to the barn. Safely inside I began the search for my secret weapon.

“Ah Ha,” I said as I grabbed the precious can of dog food. The dogs usually got dry dog food, but we always kept some canned on hand in case we had to hide some nasty medicine in it for them to take. They ALL loved the canned dog food. It was like chocolate to them. I knew Buddy’s keen sense of smell would pick up the enticing aroma and lead him to his destiny, the tie out.

Back outside I fought the wind and debris and again gain access to my truck. Becoming a contortionist somehow I got the truck door open while gripping the open can of dog food with my fingertips and using my elbow I honked the horn. Buddy finally acknowledged my presence and came flying to the truck. One whiff of the dog food and HE WAS MINE!  I coaxed him to the tie out and left him happily lapping up his ill-gotten treat while I finished my task. Vow renewed, I bolted into my truck and speed back to the safe confines of my house shouting as I drove. “Victory is Mine!”

Nightmare on the Funny Farm

Nightmare at the Funny Farm.

October is the month of monsters and at the Funny Farm ours comes in the form of a gross ugly animal. This beast is very sly and cunning. It waits until dark and sneaks out of every crack and corner of the farm. It has a small yet sturdy body filled with thousands of sharp daggers. It uses these daggers to torture every dog at the Funny Farm. The monster is as slow as an old fashioned zombie and as invisible as a ghost, but let me assure you it is deadly. Okay, maybe not deadly, but in the eyes all of our dogs it is definitely a monster. A monster that comes in the dark of night to steal their food and taint their drinking water. A monster that upon every encounter leaves them with mouths and bodies riddled with its sharp little daggers.

I slowly drove my pickup through the gate entering our farm. Odd, there was no barking and even more alarming no dogs came to meet me in the drive. I turned off the engine and listened. Eight dogs and all I heard was a small whine and a few distant barks. Then I spotted them not one, not two, but five prickly-faced animals came racing and limping toward me.

I examined my wounded pets. Yes they had definitely had an encounter with the dagger monster. Rex, our white pointer was running amuck, much like the Sanderson Sisters and Shadow, our old black lab had the limp of a zombie along with a decent amount of daggers in her mouth and nose. Bella, Coco and Buddy had only suffered minor injuries, sporting a few daggers in their noses.

At this point things didn't look too bad, but I was still missing some dogs. I rounded the barn and thankfully found Lucky and Cookie still in their kennels and unharmed.

There was only one dog missing. Tess. Yes, Tess the Mess was nowhere to be found.

The search was on. I looked in the barn, the kennels and all around the house, no Tess. There I stood, worrying and wondering if she had survived the attack from the dagger monster. Then I heard something in the hen house. "Tess is that you?"

I opened the door. What I saw made me back out the door tripping in my haste. My scream brought all of my protective pets, daggers and all to my rescue. I was so impressed by their bravery. Even with their sore mouths and bodies, they would protect me from the dagger monster that was dashing toward me.

My hands instinctively flew up to protect my face, but there was no attack and my brave defenders were quickly moving away from me. I uncovered my face and there it stood, my prickly dagger monster, Tess. Her head and chest were completely covered with the sharp barbs and she thought that me petting her would put her out of her misery.

"No Tess. No petting for you. You and I are going to take another trip to the vet. Miss Angie won't believe this."

Leaving my husband to deal with the other wounded warriors, Tess and I drove to the vet and after a good sleep Tess found herself grounded, back on her tie out in town. One night out at the Funny Farm was all it took for her to get herself and most of her pawed pals into trouble. I can't wait to hear what she has to say about this mess.

C.L. Collar

Fun Times on The Funny Farm~ The Alien Fence Charger

The Case of The Alien Fence Charger

By Cathy Collar

 

Upon returning to the farm with our lab/pyrenees mix, Lucky, after having her spayed, I was again greeted by my loving groupies Shadow, Tess, and Coco. I was surprised to see that two more dogs had joined my group of fans. Surprised not because these two were not already fans but because they were suppose to be in their kennels. Buddy, our Houdini german shorthair and Kookie, our crazy Brittany had escaped during the storm the night before.

This was not a complete surprise as they both have done this many times. Buddy has developed the ability to climb between the top and bottom hot wires on his fence and somehow squeeze out. Kookie takes the complete opposite route and digs under. Kookie’s kennel also has a hot wire around it, but it is only hooked up periodically because usually filling the hole is all it takes to keep her in.

Leaving a lethargic Lucky in the Tahoe, I opened the door and lovingly greeted my fans. This was a ruse to fool Kookie and Buddy into thinking I was not going to catch them

and put them back in their kennels. Collars grabbed I led them both back to their pens. I hooked Buddy up to a tie out that we keep close by for this general purpose. Opening Kookie’s gate I scooted her in and locked the gate behind her giving her a firm command to stay. Searching around I found two metal bars lying on the ground. I walked to the backside of her kennel to block her hole that I knew I would find in her favorite digging spot. I reached the spot and sure enough there was the hole, just big enough for her to shimmy her petite form through. I poked the iron bars into the ground and slid the top part of them through the fence. Now to secure the next escapee.

I started back to the front of the kennel but as I was about to round the corner I was zapped by what felt like three sparks of electricity. I look accusingly at the dead fence charger wondering how it could have thrown those wicked zaps at me without being plugged in. My mind zipped back to the movie Maximum Overdrive (you know the one where the machines go bonkers and try to take over the world.) Could it be? Had aliens recharged my fence charger and sent those nasty sparks to keep me away from their secret?

 Standing perfectly still, I took a closer look at my assailant. As I watched I saw one of the aliens emerge from beneath the charger. First, spindly antennas, then an oblong head followed by a thin body sporting a yellow jacket. It was followed by at least a dozen more. I quickly ran in the opposite direction. Yes my hot wire fence had been recharged, but the culprit was anything but alien.

Well away from my attackers, I unplugged Buddy’s fence and put him inside. After maneuvering the wire to try to keep him in I plugged it back in. Finally I let Lucky loose in her pen to enjoy a nice long nap. Stinging on my hand and inner thighs, I vowed my revenge as I drove back to town. I know exactly where I have stashed my extra long distance wasp spray.

 

Fun Times on The Funny Farm ~Lucky's Not so Lucky Day

Lucky’s not so Lucky Day

By Cathy Collar

The time had finally come to get our lab/pyrenees mix, Lucky, spayed. A possible love affair with our english pointer, Romeo Rex, made this decision a necessity. As I drive slowly to our farm I am dreading the process of loading a very large dog that has not had much leash training into my Tahoe.

Pulling into the yard I am greeted by my enthusiastic groupies; Shadow, our old black lab and leader of our pack, Tess The Mess, our adventurous lab/greyhound mix, and Coco Puff our lovable huggable lab/mutt. I cautiously back the Tahoe up to Lucky’s kennel trying hard to keep track of my excited fans romping around outside.They are all seeking the door I am going to open for my exit.

Gathering Lucky’s leash and choke collar (yes choke collar she weighs 93 lbs and likes to run!) I open the door. There all three dogs stand panting and whining and vying for the spot where I am going to step next. After petting each one and giving them some love, I move to my target.

Miss Lucky is our gentle giant. She never jumps up on me and loves to be hugged, but when her kennel door is about to be opened she gets way excited. She bounces, jumps and rears up to her full five foot height ready to explode into her romp around the farm. I have no desire to go Lucky chasing so I have to make sure to get my body between her and the gate. If I can slip in before she gets out I can get the choke collar on her and have some small amount of control.

Taking a deep breath I cautiously open the gate.  Lucky tries to dart past my leg. I grab her by the collar jolting my arm out of socket in the process. I have her, but I also have three other dogs trying to get between us so they can be petted. I twist and turn and finally get to the back door of the Tahoe and open it. Finding it impossible to get Lucky’s choke collar on with her pulling and three other dogs trying to give me kisses, I toss it into the back and hold onto Lucky with both hands.

I thought I had this all planned out, but plan A is definitely not working. I pull Lucky over to the Tahoe’s back door all ready to coax her in. At this time Shadow decides she needs to go in first. After all she is top dog. I let her pass thinking maybe if she is in there Lucky will follow. No way. Lucky dives underneath the vehicle attempting to break out of my grasp. Letting one hand go I grab the bumper saving myself from being drug under with her. Meanwhile Miss Tess decides she needs to go for a ride too. Now I have two dogs in the Tahoe and one halfway underneath. I pull and tug and finally get Lucky out from underneath the back fender only to find that Coco has decided she would like to join in the fun.

Coco is quite overweight and has a bad hip so even though she wants to get into the vehicle she finds the jump way to hard so instead she stands in the doorway looking at me like aren’t you gonna help me in? I nudge her out of the way and pause to catch my breath. Now thoroughly ticked I lift Lucky’s large paws one at a time into the Tahoe. Then with a quick maneuver I slide behind her and push her big butt in. She has no other option than to go. I swiftly close the door before she can jump out. Now I face my other problem. I still have two dogs that do not need to go to the vet in the car. I crack the side door open where Shadow is sitting. She hops to the back putting Lucky between her and the door. Lucky, seeing an opportunity to get out, dives for the opening. I slam the door shut. Okay, let’s see if Tess will be more obliging.

I gradually open the back door grasping Lucky’s collar before she can jump. Tess and Shadow are now by the two side doors. I call sweetly to Tess. “Here Tessy. Come here. Come get some love.” Tess runs to me excited to get the extra attention. She is my most devoted fan. As she reaches me I step back so she has to jump out to get her reward. Once again I slam the door shut before Lucky escapes. While praising Tess for being such a good girl, I search for a plan to outsmart Shadow. Scanning the inside of the Tahoe I see Shadow’s eyes following my every step. She is ready to move to a less grabable (yes for me this is a word and all dogs know it very well) location when I open a door. I think to myself, “If I can get Shadow into the front seat there won’t be enough room for her to change places with Lucky.” Have I mentioned that Shadow is also a little hefty? Well she is.

Dog biscuit in hand I open the front door and hold out the tempting treat. Shadow takes the bait! As she jumps into the front seat, I clutch her collar, which of course comes off in my hands. Quickly I grab her ears and drag her out digging heels and all and again slam the door shut before Lucky can flee. Slipping Shadows collar back on her neck I scold her for being a bad dog, which gets me a wagging tail and smile. Finally one hour later Lucky and I are off the vet.

As I drive down the road with the air conditioner blasting in my face a thought forms in my mind. On the next trip to the vet to get a dog fixed I do believe Romeo Rex should be the passenger.